12 Most English Crimes

Today is the feast day of St George, the patron saint of England. In true jingoistic style we have adorned ourselves with Knight’s armour and the flag of England to celebrate what it means to be English. To reflect this, we have searched the annals of the internet in discovery of the most English crimes in which we can truly be proud.

1) Entire Fast food chicken meal dropped

Source: Huffington Post 

The Gloucestershire Echo reported on a truly shocking story that will shake you to the core. It transpired that in Cheltenham a KFC meal had been dropped and abandoned on a pavement. The newspaper launched an appeal to find the owner of whose dinner was left strewn on the floor.

2) Porsche Theft Fail

Source: The Telegraph 

Caught on CCTV video a man attempted to steal a red Porsche in London’s Mayfair in just under 20 minutes before having to give up. The footage shows the man taking to the sports car’s convertible soft top with a knife and attempting to get the car started but to no avail.

3) Van Caught on CCTV shunting car

Source: Kent Online 

Tempers can fray in the urban setting when motorists compete for limited on-street car parking spaces but this van driver took it to a new level. CCTV footage captures a van pushing a parked Peugeot several metres along the road damaging the bumper and boot in the process.

4) Acquaintance mistaken for selfie stranger

Source: Plymouth Herald 

In Plymouth a woman who thought that a stranger had broken into her house and taken a picture of himself on her phone later remembered that the man was an acquaintance. After being horrified about finding a photo of a stranger on her phone she later informed the Police that she had in fact invited him in for a coffee on the day it happened.

5) ‘Little Britain thief’ caught on CCTV climbing out of Wheelchair

Source: Metro 

A shoplifter in Coventry pretending to be disabled was jailed for 14 weeks after being caught on CCTV stealing products whilst getting out of her wheelchair and walking unaided. After scenes that look like something out of the BBC comedy, Little Britain, she later admitted three counts of theft.

6) Hapless Corner Shop Thief

Source: Mirror

A 22-year-old man was caught after robbing a corner shop because he made no efforts to hide his identity. To make matters worse he was in fact a regular customer of the shop and had shopped there earlier in the day. Armed with a screwdriver and a sidekick he attempted to hold up the shop, eventually fleeing with a bottle of alcohol. However, the police quickly traced to him back to his block of flats where interviewed he said that he “had been high on drink and drugs and could not remember the robbery”.

7) Funny Headlines from South London Press

Source: The Telegraph

The Telegraph has reported on a number of newspaper headlines from South London Press including this one, which states “Teenager Executed by Mistake, Court Told”.

8) Hapless Car Thieves

Source: Manchester Evening News

Meanwhile in Manchester we find some more hapless car thieves attempting to break into a Nissan Micra. CCTV footage shows them for four minutes trying to enter the car before throwing in the towel. This led the newspaper to ask whether if these were “the worst car thieves in Greater Manchester?”.

9) Sleeping Burglar Found Sleeping on Victim’s Sofa

Source: Mirror

Students discovered a burglar fast asleep on the sofa in the early hours of the morning nodding off on the job. The intruder had, by this point, taken valued items and cash. Unfortunately, before being able to finish the job the criminal had dozed on their sofa and when he awoke was greeted by police who arrested him.

10) Pound shop is victim to thief

Source: Huffington Post 

This newspaper clipping featured on Huffington Post reveals the shocking news that a roll of tin foil was stolen from a Pound shop in Preston. Readers will be unsurprised to hear that the total value of stock stolen was £1.

11) Cheeky Seagull Nabs Crisps

Source: Buzzfeed 

In other shock news we see the latest disaster to strike an unlucky individual. A local seagull had the cheek to steal someone’s packet of crisps. Such injustice.

12) Rural Land Rover thefts surge

As reported on this blog the iconic British bastion of off-road motors, the Land Rover Defender, has seen a surge in rural thefts as they have been targeted as lucrative vehicle for spare parts and exported to be sold on the black market.